Heaven or Hell Read online

  “Hello,” the young man said.

  Joe opened his mouth and a croak came out. He gestured for water with his left hand and somehow poked a finger in his own eye. Joe’s hand/eye coordination didn’t work well this morning, or afternoon. What time was it?

  “Hello, Joe.”

  Although she was older and seemed much shorter, Joe recognized his sister near the window, off to his left. His brain was intact but his body appeared to have taken on its own agenda.

  A whisper came out of Joe’s mouth. “Jessie?”

  Jessie walked up to the table next to Joe where a water pitcher sat empty. With the pitcher in her hand she bent down to Joe’s ear and said in a quiet tone, “I’ll get you some water. Your daughter and grandson are here to see you.”

  “Teresa … Angela?” He saw two females near the window, up against the wall. The boy stood to the side of them.

  “No, Joe. It’s just me, Teresa. Angela died years ago.” If he could have felt anything, Joe believed he’d have felt an icy chill down his spine as his daughter’s voice knifed the air.

  Teresa moved closer to his bed, and as she moved, so did the other female, Angela. Joe’s chin sat close to his chest as he struggled to hold up his head. Did his eyes deceive him? The girl behind Teresa waved, winked, and smiled. He smiled at Angela as his head landed back on his pillow.

  Jessie returned to his side, where she found the remote to the bed. “Here.” She put the straw in his mouth, but held onto the cup and he sipped the water as Jessie raised the upper part of the bed.

  “The doctor’s on his way according to your nurse friend, Willa,” Jessie said.

  Joe coughed. Water and blood spilled down the front of his hospital gown. His head was clear and he was ready to talk, but his body seemed to have other plans.

  “I’m sorry. I’m having a hard time here.” His voice was scratchy, but it worked.

  “It’s okay.” Jessie wiped his mouth and then patted his gown with a cloth that had been sitting on the bedside table.

  “I don’t want to see the doctor. I want to talk to Teresa and meet my grandson.” Joe’s words slurred together. “No more pain medicine, either.”

  Jessie turned to Teresa and the boy. “It’s okay. Move in closer. He wants to talk to you.”

  Joe nodded his head as confirmation his body parts still followed his command. A nurse entered the room. “Joe, it’s me, Willa.”

  “Hello, Willa. I’m awake. I’m a little slow, but coming around.”

  “Joe, you’ve got a lot of toxins in your body. But we’ve followed your instructions.”

  “Remind me … what the instructions were …”

  “No pain medicine. Tell me now, do you want anything?” Willa asked.

  “I want to be left alone for a while, with my family.”

  “All right, I’ll see you later.”

  “Wait, Willa?” Joe, not able to yell, spoke as loud as he could, and to his amazement his voice felt a little stronger.

  “Yes, Joe.” Willa stopped at the door.

  “How’s your brother?”

  “Sober and doing great. Thank you.” The door swung shut as Willa left the room.

  Joe turned backed to his daughter. “Teresa, I’m so proud of you.”

  “For what?” His daughter had moved to his right with JJ at her side.

  “Raising your son, building a business from the ground up to name a few things.”

  “And how do you know about all that?” Teresa asked.

  “I’ve been sober for a while,” Joe answered

  “That didn’t answer my question.”

  “Let me meet my grandson.”

  Teresa sighed, rolled her eyes, and looked from her son to Joe. “JJ, this is my father, Joe.”

  “You don’t look like you were in a coma,” JJ said.

  Joe gave his grandson a slight smile. “Yeah, well, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to look like. I feel better than I have in years. They keep telling me it’s the toxins filling my body and they’re coming from my liver which isn’t working.” Joe smiled a little more broadly. “How old are you, now? What grade are you in?”

  “I’m fifteen and a sophomore. How old are you, now?”

  Joe laughed, and then stopped to keep himself from coughing. “Sixty-six or so. Today, I feel older, but younger.”

  JJ snorted. “That doesn’t make sense, but okay. If you say so, Gramps.”

  Teresa frowned and snapped, “Dad, what do you want to say?”

  Joe didn’t know where to begin, so he froze. The moment he’d thought would never arrive was here, and he couldn’t back out now, nor could he move forward.

  Jessie cleared her throat and began to talk. “I ought to slap you upside the head, Joe. We looked for you for years. Where the hell have you been? And why did you wait until you were almost dead to contact us?”

  Joe had missed his sister’s spunk, which always struck him like a breath of fresh air. He took in the moment with a grin. Jessie, his sister, was still a straight shooter, and oh how he regretted the lost years of not being around her.

  “Have you gotten shorter?” Joe finally asked.

  “No. We’re not going to let you change the subject. Come on, Joe, where’ve you been, and why now?” Jessie tilted her head and leaned in with a “don’t try it again” look on her face.

  “I’m not sure where to begin. There’s so much to tell,” Joe answered. His breathing had become a little labored.

  “Well you better start somewhere because time is at a premium.” Jessie waved her arm at the machines surrounding Joe’s bed.

  He raised his left hand to his eyebrow and continued. “Yes. Okay, pull up some chairs and sit down. This is going to take a while.”

  JJ pulled the lime-green chair in from the hall and brought it to Jessie, while Teresa scooted the orangish corner chair up to Joe’s bedside. JJ borrowed a third chair from the next room.

  Joe, with his family situated around his bed, felt his heart beat a little faster. The moment he’d thought about for years was actually happening, right now. He smiled.

  “Joe, what’s with the smirk?” Jessie put her hand on Joe’s shoulder and pushed gently.

  “I’m sorry.” Joe snapped out of his silent victory dance. “I’m thinking about how I’ve longed for this moment for years. And now that it’s here, I don’t want to blow it.”

  “Okay, okay. We’ve got some anger going on over here. So wipe the corny smile off of your face and get busy,” Jessie said.

  Joe ran his free hand down the front of his gown, avoiding the wet spot. His coordination had improved. Then he somehow managed to put a serious look on his face. They were as furious as he suspected they might be. This wasn’t going to be easy and perhaps wouldn’t end in the result he wanted to achieve before he died. Joe sighed.

  “I’m going to go way back, and start with the car accident. I know this is something you don’t like to acknowledge or talk about, Teresa, so it may be painful for you.” Joe nodded toward his daughter.

  “I’m not sure how you know these things, the things you think you know, Joe.” She sounded bitter. “I’m here, I’m listening, and I’m not happy about it. So continue, please.”

  “When your mother was diagnosed with cancer, I held it together for a time. I thought we could beat it, and well, we all know that didn’t happen.”

  The beeps and whirrs charged on next to him, and Joe’s eyes filled with tears. His glance at her met the glare of his daughter, which added a special stab of pain that he believed he fully deserved. Joe turned to Jessie, and she nodded for him to continue.

  “I’m sorry. I know that’s weak, especially after all these years. But it’s true, and I probably would’ve died without contacting you if I didn’t have something more to share.”

  Joe swallowed an
d continued, “I lived on the streets, in the storage unit, and in shelters around town, off and on. I’d sober up, get a job here and there and think about finding you, Teresa.” He shook his head. “And then lose it again. I’d spend my paycheck on binges and then sober up. Your mother’s voice haunted me. Marion, constantly yelling at me about how I ruined our daughters’ lives.”

  Joe stared straight ahead in a daze. “I thought I was dreaming it. So I drank more to shut the voice up.” He turned to Teresa. “I loved your mother, and she was my life. But at this point her voice was driving me crazy. And I would do anything to shut it up. Booze, drugs … anything.”

  Teresa shook her head. “What’s wrong with you, Joe? You’re blaming Mom for your drinking problem? Are you insane? Is this what you brought me here for?”

  “Teresa, let him finish. He’s not …” Jessie looked from Teresa to Joe as she continued. “You’re not blaming Marion for your mess, are you?”

  “No, no. I’m not communicating this well … I didn’t know that it was her, at least not for sure. And nobody dropped the alcohol down my throat. I’m fully to blame for this.” Joe gestured at his body. “In fact, I didn’t truly give up alcohol until I almost died about five years ago. The gallstones led the doctor to look at my liver. I was sick and tired.”

  Joe took a deep breath and looked over at JJ. “JJ, can you hand me some water? I’m not real mobile. I can’t reach it.”

  JJ filled the plastic cup and held it in front of Joe with the straw.

  “Thanks, kid.” Joe looked JJ up and down. “Are you in sports? You look athletic.”

  “Not really.” JJ glanced at his mom and mouthed the word, “help,” which Joe caught.

  Joe drank from the cup that JJ held while his daughter, sister, and grandson watched in silence. He ignored the boy’s gesture to his mom and decided to leave behind any more attempts at lightening their mood. “So I found out I was dying back then and healthy’d up as much as I could. I’ve worked at the church during these last five years, and I spent a lot of time helping folks like myself get sober.”

  Joe wiped his brow with a heavy limb. “I think you know the obvious stuff. I want to talk to you about something else. And this is the reason I haven’t taken any medication. I know what I’m about to share with you is going to sound strange. In fact, you may not even believe me. But I ask that you keep an open mind.”

  Joe looked from Teresa to Jessie. “I’m not looking for your forgiveness. I don’t want anything from any of you for me. I know what a fool I’ve been and where I stand in your eyes. What I’m trying to say is, this meeting is not about me at all.”

  Joe shut his eyes and took in another breath, as deep as he could without igniting the pain underneath. “I’ll say this, though—it’s wonderful to see all of you, and I’m really glad I met my grandson. But if that were all this was about, I wouldn’t have asked to see any of you.”

  As Joe exhaled, Teresa jumped in. “Dad, where are you going with this?”

  Joe’s body quivered. “It’s about Angela.” His lower lip shook and tears streamed down his face. He wasn’t sure he’d have the strength to wipe them away. “She was so young and … well, Angela lost her way back then.”

  “Joe!” Jessie jumped up, grabbed his arm, and shook his shoulder. Joe’s eyelids were heavy, so very heavy …

  CHAPTER 13

  HER BROTHER, JOE, FELL ASLEEP OR back into a coma as she frantically tried bring him back to consciousness. The bastard. Why did he go away again? “Joe, wake up.”

  “Aunt Jessie, stop it.” Teresa pulled Jessie’s arms away from Joe and hugged her. “It’s okay. He’s not doing so well. I don’t know, maybe we were too hard on him.”

  Jessie squinted her eyes and pulled her cheeks in real tight. “He’s rambling, and nothing he says makes sense. What’s he trying to tell us here?”

  “Who knows.” Teresa turned to her son. “JJ, push the button for the nurse, or better yet, go and get her. I think he needs some medical attention.”

  Teresa led Jessie to the chair by the wall and Jessie allowed her niece to guide her there.

  “I don’t get this. It’s all so odd,” Jessie said. And the more she recalled all that had happened, the more surreal the whole day seemed.

  “Yes, this whole thing is strange.” Teresa looked around the room. “After all these years, and there he is.”

  Jessie thought about the distress her brother’s absence caused her niece, and yet during this visit Jessie was the one who’d been the hardest on Joe. She’d reared up on him and hadn’t given him a second to breathe, even though in the past she’d been the one to make excuses for him, over and over again. What had gotten into her?

  Seconds later, the doctor and nurse entered the room, and quickly checked Joe’s pulse and poked around at him. The diagnosis came that … Joe was asleep. Evidently being in a coma could be exhausting, so Joe had fallen asleep.

  The doctor sent the family out of the room to give Joe some space to recover. At the same time, the nurse requested the family stay close, since Joe was on a day-by-day watch. He wouldn’t be sent to an extended care facility because he was expected to die soon. Jessie, Teresa, and JJ stood in the hallway and looked at one another.

  “I think I’m going to go home for a few hours and come back later. Are you up for meeting here again in about two hours?” Jessie asked.

  “We can decide in a while,” said Teresa. Jessie could see her niece was trying to get a grip on herself. “We’re going home. I have some work to do and JJ has homework. Call me later and let me know what you’re doing.”

  Jessie hugged Teresa and then headed to her car. She wanted to return home and finish reading the journal Joe had put together. Something he was trying to communicate to them gnawed at her. Jessie believed the writings held a clue or two, and if he woke up, she wanted to have the journal with her, or at least full knowledge of it so she could understand him better.

  She realized she needed to relax a little around her brother and maybe even talk to him alone when he woke up—if he woke up again. Such craziness he’d caused, and now for him to be talking in circles …

  At home, ten minutes later, Jessie found the notebook on her kitchen table where she’d left it. Then, with a fresh cup of coffee in hand, she sat down and took up reading from where she left off.

  At first, I thought the alcohol was causing me to see and hear things. I was certain these were illusions, or better said, I was delusional. I kept hearing Marion’s voice over and over in my head, and at times whispering in my ear. “Save her. Your daughter needs you.” I’d drink more to drown her out, but she’d yell louder. “You fool, you’ve ruined everything! Stop this nonsense now.”

  It could’ve been about a year after Marion’s death or at some point around this time. I woke up in a dumpster in South Los Angeles with my head pounding, my mouth dry, and my body sore as hell. I think I’d been beaten and dumped in the trash bin, but I couldn’t be sure. Up to this point, not knowing what’d happened the night before had been a running theme the entire year. The blackouts occurred so frequently and were so total that I have memory gaps covering weeks at a time. It’s either dumb luck that I’m alive, or Marion’s angels—or my own angels—because by rights, I should have been dead by now.

  So on this day many years ago, I’m lying in a dumpster on a pile of stinky trash feeling like I’ve been run over by a steamroller or two. Then I heard Marion’s voice, plain as day, as if she were standing over me. She said, “Joe, get up and go to the house. Take a shower, clean up, and move as many things as you can into storage.”

  The woman meant business—I could hear it in the tone of her voice. If that was a hallucination, well, it sure did scare the crap out of me. And I was in bad shape then. But I got up and moved my tired, hungry, hurting body toward the house. And when I made it home, later that day (after a few drinks to stabili
ze my brain), I saw the notice on the door. Our house had been put into foreclosure. The bank was going to seize the property.

  It took me a few minutes to figure out the date the bank was going to take possession. Somehow I understood that I had about a week to either pay up or get out. I think I also realized at this point that I’d been living on the streets for over a year. What a fool I was.

  And then, I remember looking for Teresa in the house. As if my teenage daughter would be right there, living and going about her business with her mother, sister, and father all gone. I really wasn’t thinking straight, especially when I became disappointed to find the fridge empty.

  Teresa’s room had been completely cleared out, and Angela’s room was how we’d left it. The house smelled stale and stuffy, and it appeared to have been abandoned for quite a while. I opened the windows and went into the bathroom, where I was shocked to learn the water worked. Though there was no hot water and no electricity, I took a cold shower and managed to pull it together for a short while. In fact, I had more time than the notice said. I spent about a week or so at the house and I called in some favors from friends I hadn’t seen in quite a while. I somehow got the important pieces out of there.

  We managed to put a few boxes and some furniture in a storage unit, though I’ve not been back to the unit since I sobered up. I want to make sure Teresa has access to these things. She can sell them or keep them, it’s up to her. I’ll make sure my friend Father Benjamin has the details and the key. Oh, and the unit is paid for five years or something like that. So she can let it sit for a while and get over the ugliness of the situation before she has a look.

  I’d like to say I sobered up at this point, but I didn’t. Seeing the family home and just simply coping was extremely difficult, and this is not an excuse, but I kept drinking. My demons had taken over and they were winning. After I finished packing up the items I thought would be important to Teresa, like her grandmother’s dining room table and some of the kitchen items, well, I left the house and never looked back.